Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
