you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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