Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
