i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
