Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
