Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
