I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
