every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
