I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
