All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
