she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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