Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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