I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
