I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
