She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
