well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
