saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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