i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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