We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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