Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Someone signed my nipple.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
