he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
