You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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