I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
