I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Randomize
