guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Someone came in the potted fern
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
