New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
