I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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