I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
