my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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