Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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