I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Only a mothe r could love this liver
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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