my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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