im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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