I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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