So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm passing your future prison.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We just shotgunned beers for America
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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