I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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