Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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