i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
