It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
