i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize