My sheets look like a crime scene.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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