I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
