I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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