so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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