My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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