o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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