Who wears a wallet chain?!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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