I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
