Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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