Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
