Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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