last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
